CHAPTER 15

I woke up late the following morning and missed my first class. But then, I didn't feel like doing anything, anyway. So I developed a splitting migraine and went to the school infirmary and cajoled the nurse on duty to sign a medical slip excusing me from classes.

The slip tucked in my pocket, I headed for the library, plonked myself at a table in a secluded corner and remained there the whole day, licking my wounds.

I had, up to that time, already experienced pain associated with the loss of loved ones -- K.C., my father -- and the chagrin of letting Eddie go. But the shock and hurt that came with deception was something that I was totally unprepared for. I didn't quite know how to deal with it.

I emerged from the library that evening with a dull, strange feeling. A note from Adrian I found taped to my pillow did not help either. On a piece of paper torn form his exercise book, he wrote:

"Gabriel,

I don't quite know what to make of last night. However, I'm pretty sure that I don't want to be a channel for you to vent off your frustration. Until you're ready to talk, I think I'd better stay away for a while.

Cool Dude."

I crumpled the note and threw it into a waste basket. A few minutes later, I retrieved it, smoothed the paper and put it in my scrap book. That was the only note that Adrian ever wrote to me, and for some reason, I wanted to keep it.

My mind cleared little by little as I showered and got ready for dinner. Something in Adrian's note struck me. I took it out and read it again. I had abused Adrian's body that night without feeling anything for him. The act was brutally mechanical. I went through the motion without any emotion.

Motion without the emotion? I smiled to myself. Yeah, that was it, I thought. From now on this was how I'd be, how the game would be played, and we would all see who'd get the last laugh. Dinner time saw me waltz into the dining hall, smiling and laughing as if nothing had happened.

That weekend I turned sixteen. Ben bought me a birthday cake and we invited some friends over to share it. Among Ben's was Tommy, who he claimed was only a good buddy. Ben had joined a Bible study group to suppress and renounce all the impure feelings he had for Tommy, and had asked Tommy to do the same.

From the way he looked at me that night I could tell that Tommy had not seen the light.